Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
