my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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