Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
