Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
