why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
