Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
