Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
