I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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