Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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