remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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