I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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