i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
