There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
