She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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