the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
