Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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