Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
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What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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