So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
