the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
