so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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