Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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