I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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