It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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