My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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