Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
