I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
