There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
