First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
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