got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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