I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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