Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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