He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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