can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
