i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
