I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
