we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
