I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
