1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
