fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
