Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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