I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
