My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
