Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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