I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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