My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
