god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
