Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize