I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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