I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
