I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
