I heard we made out
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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