I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
