I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
