My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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