I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
