I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
