Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
