If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
