She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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