Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
