Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
