apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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